Scurrilous Ephemera – Brad, Angelina, Spencer Pratt and ABBA
– by Stephanie MacDonald
Us Weekly is reporting that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie fight about politics! Apparently Angelina doesn’t like Barack Obama and Brad does, so they disagree but in the end they probably won’t break up about it, the end. Seriously, US Weekly? Can we please have the five minutes of life back that we spent reading these fabrications? Why lie to your adoring readership when we know down deep that the story is much more insidious. It’s perfectly obvious that Angelina is baiting Brad on purpose to test their relationship, and that Brad is vacillating wildly between making peace with Angelina and running back to Jennifer Aniston, because he knows that Angelina is having torrid affairs with both a mystery woman and Johnny Depp behind his back and the only thing holding him back is the fact that Angelina is now pregnant with triplets and bringing a new baby back from Saudi Arabia who will need a father figure. Sigh. We’re smart, US magazine, and we can handle the truth.
The nefarious, beady-eyed Spencer Pratt has put his plot for world domination on hold, and is finally on the same page as the rest of the human beings on this planet who have ever seen or heard of “Speidi”. Spencer has begun to worry obsessively that his horsey wife Heidi is trying to get pregnant behind his back, a fear I think we can all relate to when it comes to those two adding to the gene pool. Then again, he also has the insane idea that his offspring could possibly grow up into a rational person, because on the show last night he tells his amusingly idiotic friend Charlie, “I’m gonna have the kind of kid that’s gonna grow up and just try to kill me. I can just feel that.” Suddenly the idea of Speidi procreation seems like a good idea, doesn’t it? How entertaining would it be if they had twins that were a cross between Damien and the Menendez brothers? Speidi problem solved.
When asked which bands they would like to see back together, a group of over 1,500 Brits voted for ABBA, followed by the Police, Pink Floyd, The Smiths and Oasis. Also included were the Spice Girls. Somehow an ABBA reunion seems like it would be like some 1970s group relationship therapy session with senior citizens in gold lamé jumpsuits – okay, if you’re into that kind of thing. Morrissey would kill poor Johnny Marr with one onstage withering gaze, and don’t the other bands periodically get back together whenever they feel in need of buying a new private island? More importantly, where are the Stone Roses and James I ask, you silly Brits?