After 15 years in a state of quantum superposition, our intrepid scurrilator returns to mourn Dolly and Gloria, check in on Lindsay and Speidi, and contemplate the reproductive success of Jersey Shore.
By Stephanie MacDonald
Dolly Parton, 1977. RCA Records publicity photo/Wikimedia Commons, public domain.
A long time ago, in the innocent world of 2010, there lived a modest little column on a fun little website that discussed inconsequential, occasionally amusing things and people, sometimes the relationship between sharks and orcas. Then it disappeared, along with most other independent cultural media, sucked into the vortex of the relentless and insidious capitalist takeover of the internet and the global hegemony of corporations which now completely control everything the average person sees and hears, to the benefit of billionaires and the detriment of society, and possibly the survival of human beings as a species on this planet. So depressing. This little column was called Scurrilous Ephemera, and it scrupulously avoided depressing topics. So this can’t be it, right? But what if it is? Can it both be and not be at the same time?
On a quantum level, it certainly can. It is completely normal for a quantum system, or Scurrilous Ephemera, to exist in a superposition, that is, here or there, or here or nowhere, at the same time, until the moment it interacts with the observable world in any way. It’s the observation that collapses the system or column into one reality. So thanks, dear reader, if you’re reading this. If this column is poor Schrödinger’s cat, it’s now out of the box; whether you find it dead or alive is another matter.
For two wonderful icons of Scurrilous Ephemera, there is no question of which realm of the mortal coil they inhabit. Dolly Parton and Gloria Steinem both died in the last two weeks. Which is sad, but honestly, they were both quite old, and what amazing lives and great service and inspiration to the world, and particularly women, they gave! If women’s empowerment was an electron in a quantum system it could be in a superposition of both Dolly and Gloria at the same time! Once you observed the system, of course, it would collapse into one or the other, but you win either way.
In regular old physics, that disagreeable old second law of thermodynamics is the reason we can only experience the passage of time in one way, so sadly we can’t go back to the halcyon days of raising our eyebrows at the reproductive choices of Octomom and speculating about who was in Heidi Fleiss’s black book. But happily, there are some regular denizens of the original SE that are flagrantly flouting that dastardly second law, which also states that systems tend to go from a highly ordered state to an increasingly disordered state over time. Let’s take a look at some famous people who are thumbing their nose at entropy by getting their shit together! Of course, not everyone is using their new rationality/sobriety/prosperity for good, but let’s at least start with one who is.
First of all, we must hail former hot mess Lindsay Lohan, who moved to Europe, married a cute rich guy, had a baby and came out of retirement to star in three wonderfully stupid Netflix holiday rom-coms! She looks gorgeous, she survived her extremely weird parents and being a child star, and thus even the shrivelled black heart of the Scurrilous Ephemerist can’t help but feel joy in her happiness.
Along those lines, and admirable for her enduring commitment to being tacky and irritating yet somehow not entirely hateable, is Paris Hilton. She’s had a pretty legit career as a DJ in Ibiza, has not had any major scandals, married a random dude and had two babies. She’s just worked with Betsey Johnson on her newest collection for the designer’s 84th birthday (don’t die on us Betsey!) which seems like a collaboration for the ages.
Because we also deal in reality here at the revenant Scurrilous Ephemera, and also reality TV which is in no way related, we would be remiss if we left out our favourite Mephistophelean duo from back in the day, Speidi! Somehow those two crazy kids stuck it out and are still together. The LA fires may have burned down their home last year, but they also ignited a fierce desire for civic responsibility in Spencer! He launched a briefly credible campaign for mayor of the city, and while he may have lost, they both gained some attention, the ultimate goal of any Speidi endeavour.
Though we could go on until the inevitable heat death of the universe, we will leave you with one giant shocker that seems to bode well for the continuation of human life (on the off chance that A.I. and billionaire greed do not annihilate the planet): smushing works! (Obviously not for the sexual gratification of any woman involved in the activity, but for procreation). Our favourite inebriated, tax-evading, pickle popping, sunbed- and steroid-enthusiasts of The Jersey Shore have somehow produced 13 offspring among them! How wonderful that there are still many frontiers for science to explore.
Killer whales off Unimak Island, Alaska. Photo by Robert Pittman/NOAA, via Wikimedia Commons, public domain.
Scurrilous Ephemera originally ran on The Snipe from 2009–2011. Apparently it wasn’t dead.
