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Adventures of Snooki

Je m'appelle Snooki.

Je m'appelle Snooki.

– by Stephanie MacDonald

The sun does not shine, and it’s too wet to play, so we sit here inside on this cold, cold wet day. But in lieu of an enormous, maniacal, misguided-but-ultimately-well-meaning cat to amuse us, we have Scurrilous Ephemera and the things equally maniacal and misguided celebrities do to brighten our lives temporarily.

Behold Thing One: To keep things light, we will focus on happy things, like Speidi! They may be broke and living in a relative’s tool shed or something, but they have decided to do the rational thing in this financial situation and throw themselves a lavish wedding celebration to renew their vows. They have had two weddings to each other already in the last year, so what’s one more? They are also planning to professionally produce a “sex tape” soon, which might make a nice economical party favour at the ceremony. People do appreciate those personal touches.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Of course.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Of course.

It’s Snooki’s birthday coming up! Our plump pickle pixie is throwing a party for all her besties to celebrate, and we can celebrate the fact that it’s been almost a whole year since we learned the proper way to dress, dance, fight, consume alcohol, woo potential mates and attempt, and mostly fail, to have sex. A year ago we had no clue about GTL!!! WTF!!! So happy birthday Snooki, you have made us all better people (if only relatively).

Snooki’s party in New York will be sponsored by LifeStyle condoms, which is very responsible (Scurrilous Ephemera thought it would be sponsored by Bumpits, Lindsay Lohan Spray Tanner, AstroGlide Personal Lubricant, and Morley’s Discount Booze Barn), but it is an interesting choice for two reasons. Firstly, the Snookster is adopted, and it’s kind of disconnected to celebrate your existence with a company dedicated to keeping accidents like you from happening, but that is academic. The real irony is that steroid use, cocaine abuse and horrendously obnoxious personalities have mostly been entirely successful at preventing sexual intercourse among these folks, and as Bristol Palin will tell you, abstinence is the only way to go. Maybe this will inspire LifeStyles to create a body condom for smushing!

Jessica Simpson and that Nick guy in happier times. What is she famous for again?

Jessica Simpson and that Nick guy in happier times. What is she famous for again?

Now you’ve survived Thing One and Thing Two, here are a number of other happy treats for you… Jessica Simpson is engaged to some guy, despite reports; heartthrobs Daniel Radcliffe and Robert Pattinson are not feuding; John Travolta and Kelly Preston are expecting a new baby any moment; Demi Moore just turned 48 and omigod it’s three in the afternoon and completely dark outside. But to end on a happy note, it’s practically rum-and-eggnog season!

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