Tales from a Barstool visit the Taboo sex show

Suicide Girls booth at Taboo

Suicide Girls, Vancouver chapter, at Taboo Naughty But Nice Show, Jan 15 2010. Robyn Hanson photo

Tales from a Barstool meets the Taboo Naughty But Nice Show in Vancouver, Jan 15 2011

– story by SA & WT (Tales from a Bar Stool)/photos by Robyn Hanson

We like to think of ourselves as pretty adventurous, open-minded girls, but even the most imaginative person could get a shock at the Taboo Naughty But Nice Show held at the Vancouver Convention Centre this past weekend (Jan 13 – 16, 2011).

There is something for every fetish at the show: latex, whips, chains, stuffed animals, tickling, piercing, golden showers, orgies.  Too many to write them all down, and some too obscure to comprehend.

Photo by Robyn Hanson

The first sight WT and I set our eyes on (besides the skull bedazzled shirts and sleeve tattoos, corsets and leggings worn as pants) was the Clips For Sale stage located at the main entrance. We arrived just in time to see a girl from the audience volunteer to be masturbated by two scantily clad women and two vibrators, while bound and blindfolded. I was without words and couldn’t tear my eyes away. Welcome to Taboo.

Next up on stage was a guy who looked like a 16-year-old Shia LaBeouf, sporting just a few hairs on his upper lip that can only be described as a perv stache. Either he was a late bloomer or he’s got a really great fake ID.  He was eager to get his balls caned… time for us to keep moving.

As we walked through the convention centre, our eyes kept darting from side to side. People were calling out to us from their booths in an effort to entice us to try their products. Dildos, cock rings, anal beads, vibrators, costumes, restraints. There were deals happening everywhere; but, I’m sorry, we have trouble buying something that’s $4.99 and sticking it in our most delicate bits.

Green Lantern penis cupcake at Taboo, Jan 15 2010. Robyn Hanson photo

Green Lantern penis cupcake at Taboo, Jan 15 2010. Robyn Hanson photo

The show isn’t just limited to sex toys… you could buy a boat, rent a party bus, get a financial loan or have your future told. The dealers may all be in cahoots with each other: the psychic tells you there’s a boat in your future, which would send you off to the boat dealer, who in turn would point you in the direction of the financiers. Smart. Men with boats definitely have more sex.

We stopped at the True Smooth station which was selling microdermabrasion kits, a tool that looks more like a drill apparatus than a beauty product. The sell is that while exfoliating the skin, the machine also removes hair, and can be used on any part of the body, including the nether regions. I don’t know about you, but the thought of a pumice-like stone buffering our coochies to smoothness is enough to make us recoil in horror. Ouch! Don’t women go through enough with Brazilians?

We found the Ace Angels bodypainting booth which was a treat to check out. A quick flip through their portfolio of work and we wondered why everybody didn’t get their bodies painted. We briefly contemplated getting ours done before we went for dinner after the show, but it may have streaked in the rain. Another time.

Ace Angels bodypainting booth at Taboo Naughty but Nice Show

Ace Angels bodypainting booth at Taboo Naughty but Nice Show, Vancouver, Jan 15 2010.

One of the highlights for us (besides the guy walking around in full metal armour) was Stiletto Storm, a dance troupe that labels itself as an erotic circus, and hosted by Samantha Mack. More risqué than burlesque dancers but not as raunchy as strippers, dancers Sinful Cindy and Carmen were incredible! Using their seriously toned bodies to contort and twist themselves on the pole and hoop hanging from the ceiling, they were as limber as monkeys or Cirque de Soliel performers. Our mouths were agape in awe for the whole show. Time to start working on our core muscles.

Pole dancer at the Taboo Naughty But Nice Show at the Vancouver Convention Centre, Jan 15 2010

Pole dancer at the Taboo Naughty But Nice Show at the Vancouver Convention Centre, Jan 15 2010. Robyn Hanson photo

We did one final loop through the aisles, wandered into “the dungeon”, where brave souls were covered in welts, and decided to call it a night. But not before cruising past the firemen and picking up a calendar – it’s all for the kids, I swear. Ladies, I highly recommend you find a fireman to throw you over his shoulder – take it from us, it’s rather thrilling.

While the Taboo show wouldn’t be our first choice of Saturday night entertainment, it certainly opened our eyes to a whole other world. Just when you think you’ve tried everything (or almost everything), you’ll discover a whole lot more that’s out there.

Mainstage entertainment Jan 15 at Taboo

Mainstage entertainment at Taboo, Vancouver, Jan 15. Robyn Hanson photo

Our lessons from a sex show:

For the ladies…

1.     Some men like to get their balls caned. Perhaps ask before you jump right in.

2.    Firemen will get you hot but leave you wet.

3.    One reason why you don’t put your daughters in gymnastics: they may become strippers.

For the men…

1.    If you’re taking video of dancers from your front row seat, everyone knows you’re just going to go home and masturbate to it.

2.    That quiet girl you had a crush on in university may now be wearing a tail and dragging her boyfriend around on a chain.

3.    The Taboo show is excellent foreplay. Take your girlfriend and pick up some toys.

Read the further adventures of SA and WT on their blog Tales From a Bar Stool.

More photos from the 2011 Taboo Naughty But Nice Sex Show:

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