Scurrilous Ephemera Oct. 1 2009 – Khloe Kardashian, Heidi Montag, Megalodon and Mel Gibson
– by Stephanie MacDonald
Putting the “gutter” in Guttersnipe: So Khloe Kardashian, who is somehow famous for being related to this other girl who has the distinction of being famous for three progressively dubious reasons – being a friend of Paris Hilton, having an enormous butt, and getting peed on in a leaked (sorry, that pun never gets old!) sex tape – got married on the weekend to some generic sports star she’s been with for three weeks. They sold the rights to the fake, scripted nuptials to some tabloid and filmed it for the premier of their un-reality show Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and somehow managed to actually make millions of dollars in this way. Meanwhile, the people who lap up this crappy, manufactured content up are subsisting on Kraft Dinner and struggling to pay their rent (er, no offense to the editor of this esteemed publication). Sigh. There is hope; Carrie Fisher says it best in her droll new memoir, Wishful Drinking, “Celebrity is just obscurity biding it’s time.”
On the other hand, some reality types completely transcend, well, reality even, and become kind of awesome and lovable in their consummate hellishness. For example: Spencer Pratt. There’s something so Mephistopholean about his evil little face, which was especially compelling while he was in the audience of The View this morning watching his vacuous wife Heidi Montag co-host. Heidi managed to make the absent right-wing harpy Elizabeth Hasselbeck look as rational, dignified and intelligent as Madeline Albright by comparison, an amazing feat aided immensely by the diabolically smirking Spencer mugging comically from the front row. Everything about his presence exclaimed loudly, “Why, this is Hell, nor am I out of it!” Barbara Walters was inexplicably unamused.
Dear Santa, I have been so incredibly, wonderfully good this year and I only want one little present. Well, it’s kind of large. And chompy. No, it’s not that cannibal hooker who bit the ShamWow guy. Bonham’s & Butterfield’s is auctioning off a whole Carcharocles Megalodon jaw with 180 teeth at the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas on October 3rd. The megalodon, which grew as big as a city bus, is obviously the coolest creature to ever live, and is not remotely done justice by the very mediocre Shark Attack 3: Megalodon. And it’s only a million dollars (or so)! Sincerely, me.
So Mel Gibson wants you to know he has done his community service, paid his debt to society for the night of drinking, driving and racist, misogynist freaking out that has besmirched his cinematic legacy and marred his personal reputation, and he would like his slate to be wiped clean, thank you very much. So he’s a pervy, hypocritical Bible-thumper who hates Jews, cheated on and left his wife of decades for some younger woman, created the vile What Women Want, and endangered lives by thoughtlessly jumping in his car while wasted – let’s cut the guy some slack! Mad Max is still the favorite movie of baby-boomer dads everywhere, and more importantly we have to thank Mel for adding the term “Sugar Tits” to the Pop lexicon – a charming endearment for the ages; applicable to girlfriends, random baristas and grandmothers alike. Sugar-titted chicks everywhere agree – Free Mel!