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The Sophoclean Tragedy of Anna Nicole Smith

Scurrilous Ephemera Oct. 7 2009 – Anna Nicole Smith

– by Stephanie MacDonald

Sometimes it’s difficult to believe that the entire life of Anna Nicole Smith was not one genius, legendary piece of performance art, dedicated to living out some formerly unknown tragedy by Sophocles. While the tabloid chorus has been searching for an as-yet-obscure moral (besides the obvious: don’t do drugs, kids!), new plot twists continue to defy a mere mortal imagination.

Associated Press has recently reported that our tragic heroine was suspected by the FBI for plotting a hit on E. Pierce Marshall, son of her shriveled, ancient billionaire/husband, who was (understandably) a bit choked that his dad left everything to a stripper. Note to dads out there: don’t do this! But anyways, the plot was never authenticated, the FBI report states, because Anna started to cry when asked about it. She then explained, the rumour was probably started by a jilted ex-lover, hungry for revenge, of course. Nice plot convolution, Sophocles. She probably would have liked to have E. Pierce killed, but considering her level of competence in other aspects of her life, it’s clear the guy was quite safe, and he died of natural causes in 2006. The only thing missing now is the deus ex machina ending we’ll receive in a couple years time when we find out Anna Nicole has been living woozily and cheerfully ever after in deepest darkest Africa.

There’s something quite amazing about former vice-president Dick Cheney, and it’s not his corrupt, nefarious immorality; but the way he manages to sweep under the carpet the fact that his lesbian daughter, Mary, is having babies all over the place with her life partner. After the first baby-condemned-to-hell, Cheney happily confessed to being an excited grandparent, and now there is another devil spawn coming down the pipes, so to speak. Mary has continued to be a loyal supporter of her father and his fundamentalist conservatism, but that seems to be her only bad quality. Mary and her partner Heather Poe seem otherwise normal, intelligent people, and it will be interesting to see if they support Mary’s ultra-right-wing sister Liz as she slithers towards elected office in the United States.

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