Interview – Steel Panther’s Satchel and Lexxi Foxx
– interview by Ria Nevada
First thing this morning, I headed over to the Loose Moose Tapas Bar & Grill in downtown Vancouver to catch up with Steel Panther, glam metal advocates from Los Angeles, California.
Labeled by some critics as a “screwball metal” band, the band discussed their mixed reception in the media, the road to their first record Feel the Steel, and the celebrity fans they’ve encountered. Guitarist Satchel and bassist Lexxi Foxxx also talked about the finer things in life, including hot women, tramp stamps, and hairspray.
The previous night, Steel Panther already played to an energetic crowd at the Commodore Ballroom, and were scheduled to play a sold-out audience show at the same venue the day of our interview. Death to all but metal indeed!
Ria Nevada: Alright, so you guys have been a metal legend in the making for years now.
Satchel: For years, over thirty years.
RN: You’ve held a steady gig at the House of Blues for 10 years?
Lexxi Foxx: We’ve been on the sunset strip for 10 years. And then… [a few more female interviewers enter the room] Wow, you guys have some hot chicks in Vancouver.
RN: Don’t we? Vancougar right?
S: Yeah, well some of them are cougars.
We play in the House of Blues in LA. We play in the House of Blues in Vegas. We’ve been on the strip in LA for a long time. We’ve pretty much had sex with every woman there over 18 years old. That’s the legal limit, and I won’t even comment on the girls that are under 18 because some of those girls are out of their mind, if you know what I mean!
LF: Yeah, yeah. It’s funny, we’ve been there so long that when we first started playing there um… now those girls are just becoming of age to get into clubs legally.
S: Legally, yes. You really do have to check the IDs when you’re backstage because some of these girls… they’re just super super young, but they do things that are very…
LF: Very talented young kids in LA.
S: Well they’re very flexible and bendy.
LF: So yeah, we’ve been there for a while.
S: We’ve been there for a while. I think that’s what we’re trying to say. Some of these girls are actually so young they go to high school with your grandkids don’t they?
LF: Well yeah, I didn’t know that at the time and I was picking up… yeah, there were some awkward moments.
S: Oh yeah, you know, you end up dropping your grandkids off at high school and uh, you see some of the girls that have been backstage at your show… it’s embarrassing. You don’t want to talk to them and say you’re a grandfather. It’s horrible.
RN: Gotcha, well you guys have a lot of female fans, obviously. You also have a big celebrity following. I remember seeing you guys on LA Ink with Kat Von D…
S: We all had sex with Kat Von D.
S: Yes, after they turned the cameras off, we all had sex with her.
LF: It’s a tight ship over there on The Learning Channel. It was a learning experience with some of the ink guns.
S: We taught Kat Von D a few things, let me tell you.
RN: So speaking of tattoos, what’s your opinion on tramp stamps?
S: Tramp stamps? I think they’re so ubiquitous now. I know, it’s a big word for you Lexxi. Do you know what ubiquitous means?
LF: You don’t really know if they’re gay or they’re straight.
S: No, no that’s bisexual. That word is bisexual. Ubiquitous is a big word for a lot of heavy metal people. But it’s something I just learnt on, do you know what the Internet is?
LF: My mom has one.
S: Your mom has one? Yeah, the internet is this thing. Do you have a computer?
LF: My mom has a computer, and we have a phone.
RN: She have a pentium 2?
LF: She’s a… sorry?
S: Do you know what a pentium 2 is?
S: Long story. Anyway I just learnt what that ubiquitous means. What was the question again.
RN: How ubiquitous relates to tramp stamps?
S: Oh tramp stamps. See so many girls they have them and it’s not really gonna tell you that much about a girl and what she’s gonna do sexually. But really, this is why we try to pick up girls that are backstage at our shows; because if they’re AT our show…
LF: That’s a tramp stamp.
S: There’s a good, good chance that girl’s gonna have sex in every hole. We’ll be able to put something inside…
LF: We’ll find something. Sometimes, because we’re getting older, we don’t, we can’t… what’s the right word to say…
S: Get an erection?
LF: Yeah, so we can find things in the dressing room that’s very fun.
S: Beer bottles, carrots, baby carrots.
S: Your penis is about the size of a baby carrot anyway.
LF: Well, it gets bigger when you…
S: Rub it.
LF: Or the shocker.
S: If you can’t get a boner, the shocker is definitely a very substantially satisfying secondary sexual tool to use in place of a boner.
LF: And it’s cool because you can’t ever forget the tool because it’s always right with you. It’s in your hand.
S: It’s always there. I mean basically, do you know how to do the heavy metal sign with one hand?
S: All you have to do is stick one more finger up and you got the shocker. And for me, it’s not always easy to get a boner because it takes so much blood to fill my penis up that sometimes just the act of getting a boner, all the blood rushes out of my head and I’ll faint.
LF: And then, sometimes when he faints, depending on what city we’re in, we’ll just kinda… and if there aren’t many… he’s a good looking guy, and sometimes when he faints, he doesn’t remember things that happen, and sometimes we just do some funny things.
S: What do you do?
LF: Now you? What’s the next question?
RN: Okay, well you guys mentioned that there a lot of hot women in Vancouver, and you enjoy the audience here. You guys are playing a sold-out show tonight. but judging from the reaction of your fans at last night’s show, how do you feel about the metal scene up here?
LF: Did you go to our show?
RN: I wasn’t able to make it.
LF: Oh, you didn’t do your research.
S: You know what, it wasn’t sold-out last night but it looked sol- out because there was a quite a few fat girls there.
LF: And I was so wasted I was seeing double vision on stage anyway, so it looked sold-out to me.
S: And it was amazing. Our show last night was definitely the top few shows we’ve done all week.
LF: Out here.
RN: Top two you would say?
S: I would say it’s definitely in the top two shows we’ve done this week. Um, but then again I don’t really remember the show, I was high as a kite.
LF: And I have to say that too. The stuff that you guys get up here, because we don’t want to risk bringing our stuff across the border…
S: Well you’re gonna have to bring it across the border. What are you gonna do? You can’t leave your herpes in LA.
LF: I’m not talking about our SUVs, I’m talking about our… the stuff you… the snow. I don’t wanna say it on here because we might get in trouble.
S: An SUV is like a Ford Explorer. You’re talking about STDs.
LF: STDs. Well, I’m talking about the stuff we do backstage, but we might get in trouble [Gestures at recorder]
S: Oh right, illegal substances and drugs and shit.
RN: So I d want to ask you guys about this little rivalry you have going on with NME.
S: Oh, NME. Oh you’re talking about those bastards? Why’d you have to bring that up!
RN: How do you feel about that?
S: How do I feel about it? I’m fucking still pretty angry about it. They only gave us like two and a half stars on our first record. First of all, have you heard our record?
RN: Yes I have.
S: It’s fucking bitchin’.
RN: Yes it is.
S: I know! Thank you! And how many stars would you give it? Out of five stars.
RN: Seven and a half.
S: Exactly! Seven and a half. As many as you could possibly give it, and they fucking give us…
LF: You have to say when somebody asks, “How many stars would you give it”, you have to go, “Well, if I could take all of the stars in the sky, you use all those, and that’s as many as the world can give you.” So you have to say all the stars in the sky you’d give it. Because it’s a really good record.
RN: It is.
S: Here’s the thing, it’s a love-hate relationship. They love to hate us. And I don’t understand but when you’re an artist like we are, you have to learn to let the criticisms like that bounce off you. But I don’t let that happen because I fucking hate those people now. And they make me angry and I want to kill ’em. And I know I can’t because I’d go to jail.
LF: But like Satchel’s saying, you have to let that go. And that’s one thing that I think…
[Another female reporter enters the room]
S: Oh my God, another hot chick. There are so many hot chicks here! I know we’re in the middle of an interview right now but this hot chick comes into the room, and she’s taking her clothes off right now. It’s amazing.
LF: There’s one hot chick, if you count… I wanna stay and get interviewed all day
RN: More than the stars that NME gave you?
LF: See? [high-fives RN]
S: You know what, NME… They’re just bitter because there are no hot chicks that work there.
LF: I don’t even wanna talk about it… Satchel’s getting better because at first he was angry, he was like really upset about it, but now he’s calmed down a lot.
S: I just want.. I did want to stab them in the neck with a fucking pencil. But now I just want to punch them in the face.
S: With a fist. Bitch slap ’em.
S: And then dip my balls in their mouth.
LF: So that’s why I think, like you said, you have to take criticism, because it’s gonna come from people. It’s just a matter of how we deal with it so that we can move forward and you know, like write this next record. We’ve all practiced on taking it and dealing with it like “You know what? Big deal. Who cares?”
RN: So what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?
S: No. Fuck those people. It doesn’t bother me at all. Fuck ’em. They can all go suck a big, juicy boner. There you go. I said it. Can we say that on Guttersnipe? Suck a big boner?
LF: Suck a big boner?
RN: Well, we’ll find out.
S: Is this audio or print?
S: Well then, fuck those people. You can print that right?
S: I don’t wanna create any enemies, but fuck NME.
[Lexxi gets up for a moment]
S: Where are you going?
LF: I have to tie my shoe.
RN: On a much lighter note, you guys always sound amazing live, but equally or more importantly, you always look amazing.
S: That is more important.
RN: So a lot of people want to know, how do we get the voluminous hair and Steel Panther look accomplished?
LF: Who’s Voluminous?
S: How does your hair look so bitchin’?
LF: Well um, a lot of conditioner. Plus, they say that you have to get the ends cut every once in a while. When you get the ends cut, I mean, okay a little bit you can do. But the hair, I guess it has to stay as healthy as it possibly can. Like right now, I need to trim just a tad off. But it grows like crazy, like weeds. But um, and then…
LF: Like weeds. Weeds.
RN: Is there some crimping involved?
S: You don’t crimp your hair?
LF: I don’t crimp it.
S: It’s totally acceptable if you want to crimp your hair. That’s a very ’80s look. You kinda look like one of the aerobic dances on the Jane Fonda workout. Remember that? I used to jack off to that all the time. A lot of people don’t realize that in the 80s it was very difficult to find good porn. So I bought the Jane Fonda workout so that I could jack off to her in yoga pants.
LF: She had the blue yoga pants.
S: She had camel toe.
LF: You could see the moose knuckle. There was no high definition. You had to kinda use your imagination. Just go as close to the TV as you can.
S: I mean you try to imagine getting up inside Jane Fonda’s moose knuckle. That’s actually the tentative title for our new record. “Jane Fonda’s Moose Knuckle”.
RN: You heard it first, here on Guttersnipe.
RN: Well thank you so much guys!