Scurrilous Ephemera Oct. 30 2009 – Slutoween, the most wonderful night of the year
– by Stephanie MacDonald
Since there’s been a lot of attention devoted to the degradation of Halloween into Slutoween, I don’t feel the need to lecture those who think the “sexy policewoman,” “sexy nurse” or “sexy devil” look is anything but the complete opposite of sexy (most of those people don’t read SE, and maybe can’t read at all – ha! Zing). Straight men have somehow completely avoided this problem by either refusing to dress up at all (which is even lamer, guys!) or pulling out the same old Tom Selleck Hawaiian shirt year after year. Remember kids, it’s all about having fun and getting laid, and there’s nothing cuter than someone who makes an effort and isn’t afraid to go out on a limb. Plus, explaining your obtuse and bizarre costume is a good way to start a conversation with that sexy chick in the schoolgirl outfit.
The irony of those “sexxxy” costumes is that they make you look inadvertently stupid, and like a ten-dollar whore, while dressing up on purpose as a ten-dollar whore is actually quite a good costume idea, in my books. Irony is always good. The very, very hottest costumes ever have always been super-cute girls or guys dressed up like gorillas or WWE wrestlers, but if you simply have to use this holiday as an excuse to show ’em what you got, you do have options; just read a lot of trash on the Internet and use your imagination! Timely pop culture references are cool, as long as they are innovative. Here are a few ideas straight from the history of Scurrilous Ephemera, all of which I fully endorse.
Possibly Sexy Costumes
– That clairvoyant, beyond-the-grave mystery solver: La Toya Jackson
– Pathos-inducing, and in bad taste, but funny nonetheless: pregnant and wasted Anna Nicole Smith with a clown face on!
– Paris Hilton. This would be funny if you dressed like a ten-dollar whore, got a Paris wig and then glued plastic creatures running up and down your thighs. Slutoween indeed.
– Megalodon! (That may only be sexy to a few people, but they are a very cool group).
Excellent Couples Costumes
– Vince the ShamWow and Slap Chop pitchman and his cannibal hooker friend, mugshot versions, of course.
– The lady who married the Eiffel Tower, and the Eiffel Tower.
– A tongue piercing and attendant deadly brain abscess. Seriously, not sure how this could be accomplished, but would win the best costume pair ever.
– The macabre Pope Ratzinger and his disgusting little spider friend.
Scary Monster Costumes
– Octomom’s tortured uterus
– Cammy the lake monster in Cameron Lake
– A monkey dressed up like a baby
– Morrissey’s tortured soul
There you have it. Don’t ever imply that The Snipe is afraid to be servicey!