Scurrilous Ephemera presents: the worst of the double aughts
– by Stephanie MacDonald
Apart from the lack of an easy to remember, catchy name, this past decade, the “Aughts” if that’s what you must call them, brought upon us a plague of other horrible things as well. Okay, 9-11 and the downfall of any type of comfort, security, employment, or hope for the future are pretty obvious examples, but there are a few, far more insidious horrors that we have endured, and that SE has chronicled. A few awesome things came about in the last decade too, but let’s start with the bad, move on to the “So bad it’s good” category of hipster irony and then finish with the good stuff. This list is by no means exhaustive, so feel free to berate me with all the things I’ve left out because I like to start off the new year with a bit of self-loathing–it’s tradition.
Bad Bad Bad
My Monkey Baby. This may be the worst thing that has ever happened ever, with excuses to genocide, epidemics, wars etc. Seriously, these folks think that monkeys are babies. Babies are cute. Monkeys are a horrible combination of absolutely terrifying and unrelentingly gross, and they fling poo and masturbate and have scary, beady little eyes.
Heidi Montag-Pratt, anyone with the last name Kardashian. Why are these people famous? And why are they trying to breed?
The word “douchebag”. This is so tired, my mother is calling people douchebags now. This needs to go away forever and something more descriptive, creative and entertaining needs to take its place, because there are a lot of hilariously awful, ignorant, and arrogant people out there and we need to make fun of them. Also, douching has been proven to not really be that good for you, so let go of the douchebag, both literally and figuratively, please.
Uggs and Crocs. They make you look like a total douchebag. Oops! Old habits die hard!
Joe Francis and anything related to Girls Gone Wild. Ah, please don’t force me to drag out my dusty old feminist outrage, it’s exhausting, and if you don’t see what is so existentially horrible about this cretin and his enterprises, to quote Veronica Sawyer, “You don’t deserve my speech!”
Jon Gosselin. He is simply… wait for it… absurd. Sorry kids. Michael Lohan falls into this category too, especially sinced his ex girlfriend told the whole world about how he kicked her in the vagina and threatened to kill her a few dozen times.
Bad Transcending Into Good
Jersey Shore. These darlings (especially Paulie D!) barely squeaked into the aughts, thereby saving the decade from total despair! Well anyways, they at least caused it to be a little more entertaining than depressing. And for all the haters out there, including advertisers like Dominos and Unico that ditched the show, Snooki has this to say (please skip this if you are offended by bad words), Fuck you! If you don’t want to watch, don’t watch. Just shut the hell up! I’m serious…Fuck you!”
Spencer Pratt. Well, he’s just so indescribably and bouyantly evil, and he doesn’t try to hide it. His tenuous grasp on reality, and death-grip on reality TV, make him hard to ignore, and he’s always reminding this writer of epic villains from history and literature: Mephistopheles, Machiavelli (not a villain, but devoid of charm and empathy), Captain Hook, anyone in a David Mamet Film, Vlad the Impaler, the evil rabbit in Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail… you get the idea.
Rock of Love Bus. I can’t explain why this is good, but it is. Probably has something to do with Brett Michael’s valiant refusal to give up the hysterical bandanna/wig combo and how he always makes the right choice – he always picks the most intelligent and least skanky of the idiotic skanks vying for his heart, and then they always dump him.
Slankets. Because they are what you buy when you have given up on life, but they are still better than a Snuggie.
Vince the Slap Chop and Shamwow guy, and cannibal hooker victim. Because I still really want to buy a Slap Chop every time I see his little ferret face. And don’t get me started on the Graty… “Fettucini, linguini, martini, bikini!” And I want to stop having a boring life and Vince inspires me. 2010 resolution, right there! Happy New Year!