-photo by Keith Allen Phillips/courtesy Splash News
Sandra, Jesse and Bombshell
Slutty porn stars and Nazi strippers are ruining the lives of fine upstanding men and their families, did you hear? America’s two sweethearts, Sandra Bullock and Tiger Woods, have had their perfect lives torn asunder by whorish trollops blabbing on and on about all the hardcore sex they engaged in with Tiger and Sandy’s hubby, Jesse James. Okay, maybe the whores aren’t the only culpable parties here, since they were just acting whorishly which is in their nature and is, in fact, how they earn a living. And much better livings once they come out publicly and everyone wants to pay them, not to have sex, but talk about the sex they had, which is less exhausting. Everyone looks bad here! Except Sandy, of course who is now more beloved than ever before. Anyho, Tiger’s porny porn star, Joslyn James (no relation to Jesse, presumably), posted every obscene text message (sexting – it’s a bad idea.) he ever sent her onto the Internet, and it’s pretty disturbing. Not sure of her motivations for doing this, though if you ask her it probably has something to do with their undying love for each other. The Jesse James’ lady, the one with the tattoos all over her face, Bombshell McGee, can be seen posing in Nazi cheesecake pictures on the same Internet. This Internet thing is totally bad! Bombshell McGee unfortunately has two children, and here’s an interesting bit of info you might want to remember for a future edition of “Trivial Pursuit – Hipster Edition”: her stripper name, “Avery”, is the name of her youngest son. Classy, and sweet.
Those Krazee Kardashians
The news about the Kardashian sisters is that I cannot find any news about them! (apologies to the editor)
The Lohans, Except for Lindsay
You know how sometimes you are brushing your teeth, and you think to yourself, “I wish there was some way to brush my teeth without getting all this yucky water in my mouth!” No? Maybe you never brush your rotting teeth because of your overwhelming guilt about all that plaque-filled water going down the drain? Well the fantastic family that has brought to you a line of spray-tanner, leggings with kneepads, Shoehan and haute couture involving heart-shaped nipple pasties, has another consumer breakthrough – the “Aqua Freedom Green Lohan Brush”, waterless toothbrush unveiled by Dina Lohan at some green living convention. Rabid people and other hydrophobics no longer have any excuse for poor oral hygiene. In other Lohan news, Michael Lohan, Lindsay’s father, has tragically recovered from a minor heart attack and is resting at home.
Heidi’s Psychic Follies
He should have seen it coming (har har), but Heidi Montag-Pratt has fired her psychic adviser/new manager Aiden Chase. I told him not to tell her about her future roll in Broken Down Old Stripper Roadhouse! Not that it changes anything.