Avril Lavigne files for divorce

Deryck Whibley and Avril Lavigne in happier times.

Deryck Whibley and Avril Lavigne.

Scurrilous Ephemera, Oct. 16 2009 – Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley divorce news; Mozart

– by Stephanie MacDonald

In Terrible Canadian News: Avril Lavigne has filed for divorce from Sum 41 singer Deryck Whibley. Remember her endearingly hillbilly first interview when she said she had never heard of the Rolling Stones or the Beatles or something? Now our homegrown protopunk-rock princess is growing up and achieving new famous-person milestones, and aren’t we proud? She’s not taking (or more importantly, providing) any alimony, unsurprisingly, so at least Deryck can go back to his Angry Boy Band with some legitimate angst-y girl issues to fuel an album the kids of yesteryear may ignore at their leisure.

Dear World Health Organization, we thought you were on our side! Now, you’ve attacked our closest friend, and another relationship has become thorny, and yes, awkward. We appreciate your work on behalf of victims of epidemics, poor sanitation, free-loading parasites and germy animals, but the line has to be drawn somewhere. You can’t just go and vilify our sweet, dependable, ally alcohol like that. Oh, I know, you may have your “reasons” for your new, slyly-titled “Working Document for Developing a Draft Global Strategy to Reduce Harmful Use of Alcohol,” and it all seems very innocent at first glance. No one is against drunk driving, it is bad, as is cirrhosis of the liver, domestic abuse and Fetal Alcohol Syndrome – bad bad bad! But what about the single, strong-livered, celibate folks too poor to own a car, huh? Why deny the innocents their kindred spirits, so to speak?

Another romantic genius death de-romanticised: Mozart is now declared to have died from boring old strep throat. Boo. Dashing historical figures are supposed to die of poisoning (what about that devious Salieri!), or a duel, or perhaps syphilis or the black death; not something I manage to survive every other year. Smarty-pants researchers at the University of Amsterdam claim that the prodigal composer, whose death, at 35, was untimely and painful, conclude: “our analysis is consistent with Mozart’s last illness and death being due to a streptococcal infection leading to an acute nephritic syndrome caused by poststreptococcal glomerulonephritis.” Those practical (or sneaky?) Austrians decided to re-use his grave a short time later and Amadeus’ remains were promptly lost for any further forensic analysis. Sound familiar?

From the department of I Told You So: Deadly brain abscesses should be added to the list of risks of having a tongue piercing, say doctors. And it’s totally yucky.

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