"I'm an F-18, bro."
Celebrity meltdown: Charlie Sheen on The Alex Jones Show
- by Terris Schneider
Charlie Sheen should be my life coach.
Last night, I watched half of Just Go With It. Since then, I’ve been confined to my bed, can no longer taste food, and all the colours of the world seem drained.
And then, just when I thought I’d lost all hope, Charlie Sheen saved my life. His recent radio meltdown on The Alex Jones Show (for all us Canadians: the show is a syndicated American show hosted by self-proclaimed libertarian Jones) has plenty of sage advice for all of us depressed losers. TMZ has the audio where Sheen takes Thomas Jefferson and Alcoholics Anonymous down a couple of notches, and uses ethnic slurs to describe his boss Chuck Lorre.
Here are some words of wisdom from the interview (courtesy of Vulture):
On people who talk about him:
“Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show.”
On his power:
“I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”
On violence, resentments and battle cries:
“If you love with violence and you hate with violence, there’s nothing that can be questioned. People say, ‘Oh, you’d better work through your resentments.’ Yeah, no. I’m gonna hang on to them, and they’re gonna fuel my attack. And they’re going to fuel the battle cry of my deadly and dangerous and secret and silent soldiers. Because they’re all around you. Sorry, you thought you were just messing with one dude. Winning.”
On Alcoholics Anonymous:
“It’s the work of sissies. The only thing I’m addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math … another one of their mottoes is ‘Don’t be special, be one of us.’ Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bullshit! I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I’m done … you don’t look like you’re having a lot of fun. I’m gonna hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view, Alex!”
So I guess the lesson here is that Charlie Sheen is a winner, and the rest of us can go f%^& ourselves. Wait, that didn’t make me feel better at all… shit…
