If, for some absurd reason, you don’t know what is up with the Most Important People in the World, please put down your PhD thesis on mutated mitochondrial DNA, your Koran, your defibrillator, your dog-eared and copiously underlined copy of Ulysses, your top-secret nuclear submarine blueprint, oboe, or that sweater-vest you are knitting for the monkey you think is your baby, and get up to date, stat.
Snooki has broken up with her boyfriend! Poor Emilio doesn’t even know why – the heartless vixen nixed her new BF on FB, believe it or not. When asked by TMZ to describe his hearbreak, the eloquent Emilio waxed poetic in this gut-wrenchingly desolate note to the website TMZ: “All i know is she was upset i tried out fornreal world nd left me a message sayin im single. Next i kno i wake up morning and facebook says im single.” Then, to add insult to injury, Snooki engaged in a flagrant DFM (That’s Dance-Floor Makeout session) with The Situation in Miami! As for the other Jersey Shore individuals, I think the two that were together before kind of broke up due to some other dance floor third party situation, but not The Situation, some other situation.
The Other Most Important People in the World, the Kardashians, are also very busy doing Important Things with their time. Kim has been talking about her abusive five-minute marriage with Damon someone, and bringing up those memories must have been psychologically damaging, because they caused her to allegedly go to bed with Kanye West, which didn’t go over to well with her boyfriend Reggie Bush, who dumped her. In addition, she’s had second thoughts about posing for Playboy six years ago, and now says she only did it because her mother told her to. Which kind of makes you wonder if her mother also told her to be friends with Paris Hilton and take a golden shower in front of a video camera. To overcome the trauma of these indignities, she has availed herself of the time-tested method of sleeping with dangerous playboy and football hottie Cristiano Ronaldo, who used to date Paris (cue catfight). All the other Kardashians are busy dieting, except her step-brother, the loathsome Brody Jenner, who is canoodling all over town with Avril Lavigne.
As if Tiger Woods wasn’t repellent enough, it turns out the pervy golfer is not just a fan of sexting and doing filthy things with people-not-his-wife, but he is also a fan of the horrible band Nickelback. He was seen rocking out to the miserably derivative and embarrassingly Canadian group at a concert last weekend. This is obviously the last straw for Elin, who has enough issues without having to listen to shower-time warbling of “If everyone laughed and nobody cried, if everyone lived and nobody died…” or whatever crap they’re writing nowadays. Oh, and one of Tiger’s mistresses is going to be on TV with Bombshell McGee, hosting a wonderfully deep and intellectually profound new show called Celebrity Cheaters.
There. That wasn’t so bad was it? You can go back to all that stuff you were doing before (except the knitting – it’s a monkey not a baby, you sicko), now that you now know everything you need to know to be a productive member of society.