Je m'appelle Snooki.

- by Stephanie MacDonald

The sun does not shine, and it’s too wet to play, so we sit here inside on this cold, cold wet day. But in lieu of an enormous, maniacal, misguided-but-ultimately-well-meaning cat to amuse us, we have Scurrilous Ephemera and the things equally maniacal and misguided celebrities do to brighten our lives temporarily.

Behold Thing One: To keep things light, we will focus on happy things, like Speidi! They may be broke and living in a relative’s tool shed or something, but they have decided to do the rational thing in this financial situation and throw themselves a lavish wedding celebration to renew their vows. They have had two weddings to each other already in the last year, so what’s one more? They are also planning to professionally produce a “sex tape” soon, which might make a nice economical party favour at the ceremony. People do appreciate those personal touches.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Of course.

It’s Snooki’s birthday coming up! Our plump pickle pixie is throwing a party for all her besties to celebrate, and we can celebrate the fact that it’s been almost a whole year since we learned the proper way to dress, dance, fight, consume alcohol, woo potential mates and attempt, and mostly fail, to have sex. A year ago we had no clue about GTL!!! WTF!!! So happy birthday Snooki, you have made us all better people (if only relatively).

Snooki’s party in New York will be sponsored by LifeStyle condoms, which is very responsible (Scurrilous Ephemera thought it would be sponsored by Bumpits, Lindsay Lohan Spray Tanner, AstroGlide Personal Lubricant, and Morley’s Discount Booze Barn), but it is an interesting choice for two reasons. Firstly, the Snookster is adopted, and it’s kind of disconnected to celebrate your existence with a company dedicated to keeping accidents like you from happening, but that is academic. The real irony is that steroid use, cocaine abuse and horrendously obnoxious personalities have mostly been entirely successful at preventing sexual intercourse among these folks, and as Bristol Palin will tell you, abstinence is the only way to go. Maybe this will inspire LifeStyles to create a body condom for smushing!

Jessica Simpson and that Nick guy in happier times. What is she famous for again?

Now you’ve survived Thing One and Thing Two, here are a number of other happy treats for you… Jessica Simpson is engaged to some guy, despite reports; heartthrobs Daniel Radcliffe and Robert Pattinson are not feuding; John Travolta and Kelly Preston are expecting a new baby any moment; Demi Moore just turned 48 and omigod it’s three in the afternoon and completely dark outside. But to end on a happy note, it’s practically rum-and-eggnog season!

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Kim Kardashian leaving the Maxim Style Awards from the Avalon nightclub in Hollywood, CA

Scurrilous Ephemera Nov 2010 – Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan, and more!

- by Stephanie MacDonald

We can safely begin this week’s overdue SE with a very deep question.

As you know, Scurrilous Ephemera is all an excuse to read trashy, poorly written, frequently fallacious pop culture detritus in a self-consciously intellectual, post-snark, quasi-political, transparently lazy and inept search for the grains of enlightenment to be found perusing Perez et al. Out of this miasma of media-generated, ego-driven, accomplishment-indifferent non-news, we can theoretically grasp at some fleeting metaphor that may help explain our society’s response to the inherent absurdity of life, and find where we as mortal individuals exist in terms of our relationship to this planet floating in a timeless universe. Anyway, this deep question occurred to me at work today: Why is Kim Kardashian not referred to as K-Kar?

K-Cars were awesome ’70s faux cop cars, in case you don’t know. This quandary distracted me from my in-progress press release and consumed my mental energy for about two minutes until I was re-distracted by the press release, when the concluding sentence I was looking for popped into my head. Find your own meaning in this.

So it’s been a while, and it appears that in SE’s absence all manner of unfortunate things have happened to those who we used to enthusiastically pretend care about in an ironic way. Some of them are broke and forgotten and maybe we can do them an actual service by paying attention to them again, briefly, and thus can feel good about ourselves for at least one thing today.

We can start with the only person famous before she started making questionable decisions, Lindsay Lohan, whose SCRAM bracelet’s energetic cries for help from the second-to-last bathroom stall on the left got her a court-imposed trip to the expensive Betty Ford Clinic. Sitting through her fourth week of family therapy with Michael and Dina is probably making her pine for solitary confinement in prison, but onward.

Lindsay Lohan, pre-prison and Betty Ford.

Out-of-work Jon Gosselin has no cash to buy ridiculous outfits, go to strip clubs or buy drugs. Or pay child support, something that Octomom could also use to keep the bank from foreclosing on her, except she was single, unemployed, and living at her parents’ house with her six existing children when she had the interesting idea to implant herself with eight more embryos from her ex.

Moving on up (or down) the pathos scale, Heidi and Spencer are happily back together, but they are sad they have blown the ten million they earned from The Hills on plastic surgery and crystals, and are residing in Spencer’s parents’ pool house. Smugly, we can make the assumption that our society has left these formerly ubiquitous people behind because of their karma, their lack of abilities or whatever, but it must be pointed out that out of the carcass of this hydra emerges The Situation, teen moms, and housewives ad infinitum. We are not getting smarter – clearly, our attention spans are simply getting shorter.

And… Charlie Sheen keeps on being the highest paid TV star, and K-Kar is exceedingly busy opening fancy stores, having sex with Kanye West, wearing lots of makeup, and getting her face put on credit cards.

Mad man Charlie Sheen, the highest-paid actor on television.

In moments of frustration with the senselessness of fame, fortune, and U.S. election results, it’s comforting to find objective answers to at least some of life’s most pressing concerns. Last night, the National Geographic Channel explained the following existential mystery: Great White Shark VS. Killer Whale! Answer: If you pit a killer whale against a great white shark, the killer whale will win. Evidently, if you stun a shark and flip it onto its back it goes into a trance, and killer whales have figured this out, so they can drown them and then tear out the tasty liver and devour it. This makes them officially smarter than the human beings who enjoy keeping them in swimming pools for their amusement. Free the K-Wha!!! More SE next week, promise.

Killer whale - smarter than the average shark.

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Lindsay Lohan flashes her fingernail to the U.S. justice system.

We here at Guttersnipe Industries are sick of the continued persecution of Lindsay Lohan. Last night on her HLN program, professional shrewcaster Nancy Grace was all over Lohan because the actress has apparently checked herself into an L.A. “sober house” to escape or pre-empt her 90-day jail term.

Good for her! What the hell is Lindsay Lohan going to jail for, anyway? According to this LA Times blog entry, the sentence is “for repeatedly violating the terms of her probation by failing to attend weekly alcohol education classes.” That’s ridiculous in and of itself – “alcohol education classes” sound like some kind of temperance-era brainwashing 1984-style baloney. The original charge – driving under the influence – is, admittedly, a no-no, but hardly warrants the continued public stoning of the actress.

So to Grace and all her ilk calling for the pretty head of Lindsay Lohan, we say unto you – back off. Get a life. Give the kid a break. Weren’t you young, beautiful and rich once too? Oh, right. Well, that explains it…

The post Free Lindsay! appeared first on The Snipe News.

Hole at the Pageant, St. Louis, July 13 2010.

Anyone wondering if Courtney Hole still has “it” may be interested in this review of last night’s show in St. Louis.

Annie Zaleski writes, in the Riverfront Times, “Love herself was charming and largely coherent… Overall, the show wasn’t the trainwreck many in attendance surely hoped it would be. And it was entertaining. But it was also infuriating, and often felt lazy.”

You can see the full review here.

Courtney Love performs “Letter to God” at the Pageant in St. Louis, July 13 2010:

The post Concert review – Hole appeared first on The Snipe News.

As we all know, life can be confusing, and human beings necessarily navigate many nebulous metaphysical quandaries in their journey towards the great unknown. Oceans of ink have been spilled on the subject of the nature of reality, from Plato’s dual worlds of ideals and perception, to Aristotle’s pragmatic empiricism – it kind of makes you want to just give up thinking and become religious. Anyho! Just considering the new semantics of the word “reality” as it relates to our culture today. What is “unreality television”, when we’re supposed to accept that The Hills, Survivor, The Biggest Loser et al are “reality television”? When Law and Order lifts plotlines from headlines, and producers fandangle every aspect of the lives of their real-life characters, which one becomes more real? Sounds like an undergraduate thesis, no?

So instead of looking at what is happening with our favorite pop culture denizens, let’s look at what they are not doing and see if we can come any closer to the truth, whatever the hell that is.

Lindsay Lohan’s mother, Dina, is not thinking rationally. When she tried to get another free ice cream cake from an ice cream store that had given Lindsay a free ice cream card because she is a celebrity, the store refused to accept the card and asked for payment, because, well, Dina is not Lindsay. Dina freaked out and the police were called whereby she began screaming to the assembled paparazzi “Look, see? We’re treated worse than everybody else!” Okay? Lindsay and Amy Winehouse are both still not drinking, Lindsay because of the SCRAM bracelet and Amy because she’s in love… with some dude who is not a junkie deadbeat for once.

Spencer and Heidi are still not together! Presumably it is because they are not making any money for appearing together, so Heidi is not having an affair with Spencer’s friend, and the tabloids unbelievably are not paying the $100,000 Speidi want for the full story of this unscandal. Heidi is not making any recognizable human expressions, so we do not know how this makes her feel. No one gives a crap how Spencer feels.

Sadly, Gary Coleman is not having a funeral because of the controversy surrounding his death and will situation. Friends recently found a document saying if he was in the situation he found himself in in the hospital he did not want the plug pulled, but the woman he was not married to at the time did not heed those wishes obviously, and was thus not invited to his cremation, and is not happy about it.

Megan Fox did not recently get engaged because she did not ever get unengaged from the last time. She also did not lose the two-karat not-engagement ring in the sand as reported.

Though I don’t think we’re any closer to the meaning of truth or reality, because it’s the weekend, let’s end on the positive: Harrison Ford and Callista Flockhart, a lovely old-timey couple from the days of yore, last weekend tied the knot. Cheers.

The post A Week of Nots appeared first on The Snipe News.

Denise Richards and Richie Sambora

- by Stephanie MacDonald

There must have been some huge shift in the universe somewhere that can only adequately be explained by Douglas Adams or Kurt Vonnegut Jr. because Scurrilous Ephemera today is all perky and sunshine-y and not all nihilistic and existentially gloomy as usual. Except that both Douglas Adams and Kurt Vonnegut are geniuses of literature, and they are dead, and instead of enlightening treatises on possibilities the miraculous universe holds in store, we have the Kardashians and Speidi and Jersey Shore. No wait! This is a happy SE! Happy happy happiness!

Love is such a happy thing, and there are a lot of famous people afflicted. Denise Richards and Richie Sambora are back in love after they fell out of love from the time that Denise stole Richie away from her friend Heather Locklear after she found her husband Charlie Sheen cheating on her with about 500 nasty hookers while she was pregnant. Alanis Morissette got married to a very flaky rapper named SoulEye. Mazel tov!

Even professional lonely/betrayed person Jennifer Aniston is getting some love in the form of 30 Rock actor Jason Sudeikis, who is cute. Snooki isn’t in love, but she wants to be. She is quoted as saying, “I want to save up money so I can buy a house, find a guy, have a family and make guido babies. That’s all I want.” Awww… She has also been seen out partying with her new BFFs, Paris and Nicky Hilton, so maybe they can set her up with a bodyguard or something.

In case you were worried, Lindsay Lohan is doing okay, and hasn’t been drinking, despite her SCRAM bracelet going off every five minutes. Evidently even wearing perfume can set that temperamental little thing off. Who could go a whole day without perfume? It would be like a day without a martini! Oh wait… Anyways, at some awards ceremony poor Lindsay was being stalked by the incredibly creepy Dr. Drew, but she managed to avoid him and his trainwreck life-destroying show, and is considering doing Celebrity Apprentice instead, with “personal friend” Donald Trump. She is obviously very resourceful and clever when it comes to finding ways to avoid the law and ingest recreational substances – maybe she can put that ingenuity to work for Trump.

The 'incredibly creepy' Dr. Drew.

Sigh. The world is such a loving and meaningful place! Really. Now have a fantastic weekend, as there’s lots of wretched people doing abominable things for attention, and it’s Scurrilous Ephemera’s job to make sure this self-perpetuating vortex of desperation, voyeurism, boredom and loathing goes on into infinity, but that can wait until next week. Until then I suggest you go re-read The Sirens of Titan or The Restaurant at the End of the Universe.

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Heidi Pratt and Jen Bunney

You might need to get out your Xanax, Prozac, Adderall, Ritalin, Percocet, bottle of Jack, methamphetamine, airplane glue, or whatever it is that is probably slowly killing you but gets you through this confusing and meaningless life, because Scurrilous Ephemera today is all about death and disaster. Except one excellent happy thing! That will come last.

So, yes, just like you will inevitably do one day (maybe soon!), celebrities are dying off in droves – it’s like totally the cool new thing right now. Dennis Hopper succumbed to prostate cancer, Gary Coleman bonked his head and died mysteriously, Brittany Murphy’s creepy husband: also dead. Now Rue McClanahan has been cruelly ripped from life’s embrace at the tender age of 76 (Betty White is so totally feeling bad about that thing she said now). Anyho, here we are left to ponder eternity and pick up the broken pieces of our lives without these people.

Also sad and depressing: that massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico that has by now killed millions of creatures, destroyed delicate marine and marshland eco-systems forever and ruined the vacations of lots of old people. Jacques Cousteau’s hot grandson went diving into the morass and came up speechless and in tears at the devastation. The Deepwater Horizon will eternally be synonymous with epic disaster and BP with monumental failure and callous disregard of life on earth in the name of money. There is no silver lining here, though hopefully it will cause a re-consideration of the consequences of drilling off the coast of B.C. Because what if they did find massive oil reserves there and then the province becomes the new Dubai, with every citizen worth hundreds of millions of dollars until the Americans decide to invade and all of a sudden Sarah Palin is our leader and Sex and the City 8: Cougar Maneuver in Vancouver starts filming, and the world collapses in on itself. The end.

And now for some even worse news for those people whose will to live hasn’t been completely drained yet: Heidi and Spencer have broken up. I know! Seriously, if those two can’t make it work than what’s the point of anything? Heidi is moving in with some friend named Bunney and they will have a reality show. Though this seems to awful to be true, it must be because Heidi and Bunney or whoever she is went to a park and were photographed heroically attempting to make frowny faces while staring pensively into a reflecting pool which is actually an abyss of transcendent sadness and despair from which we may not escape.

But just as you feel you will be overwhelmed by all this tragedy, there is hope. It comes in the form of Posh Spice’s cute new haircut. It’s so chic! It’s kind of fun and flirty and really suits her face. There is reason to go on! Also, that Keyboard Cat! So why don’t you stop being so morose, get out of your funk and watch that Keyboard Cat play his little heart out on YouTube. Then go buy an electric car, swear off plastic bags and turn that frown upside down Mister Grumpy. Or just take your meds.

New Posh Spice hairdo!

The post Death and disaster (but it’s not all bad news!) appeared first on The Snipe News.

You should certainly be happy you’re not a rich and famous celebrity, because if you were, you’d be trundling off to rehab now. Or maybe jail, because evidently the pressures of all this privilege and free time drive you straight into substance abuse, which is nothing new of course – everyone from Judy Garland to Michael Jackson has tried to drown their artsy angst in martinis and Percocet with varying results.

But unlike Sinatra, Marilyn and Liza, today’s trainwrecks are stumbling around in our face all the time and then profiting off their wastedness with shows like Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew etc, instead of surreptitiously tiptoeing off to Betty Ford Clinic or the South of France.

Tila Tequila has signed up for Celebrity Rehab for her alleged addiction to attention, er – I mean, Ambien, which seems tame except that she snorts it. Gross! Between Tiger Woods and Tila Tequila, don’t you feel sorry for poor Ambien? It’s the Tommy Hilfiger of prescription drugs! But anyways, another person bound for involuntary sobriety is of course Lindsay Lohan, back from Cannes to face the music with the evil vindictive judge who insists on forcing Lindsay to face justice from things that happened so long ago that we don’t even remember what they were anymore. Now she has to wear some bracelet that monitors alcohol intake from your sweat or something. “No officer, I just spilled eau de parfum on my leg!”

David Hasselhoff spent the weekend in alcohol detox, though he blithely denies that he went on a three-day bender of course – what a heroic throwback from the good old days of denial and subterfuge!

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If, for some absurd reason, you don’t know what is up with the Most Important People in the World, please put down your PhD thesis on mutated mitochondrial DNA, your Koran, your defibrillator, your dog-eared and copiously underlined copy of Ulysses, your top-secret nuclear submarine blueprint, oboe, or that sweater-vest you are knitting for the monkey you think is your baby, and get up to date, stat.

Snooki has broken up with her boyfriend! Poor Emilio doesn’t even know why – the heartless vixen nixed her new BF on FB, believe it or not. When asked by TMZ  to describe his hearbreak, the eloquent Emilio waxed poetic in this gut-wrenchingly desolate note to the website TMZ: “All i know is she was upset i tried out fornreal world nd left me a message sayin im single. Next i kno i wake up morning and facebook says im single.” Then, to add insult to injury, Snooki engaged in a flagrant DFM (That’s Dance-Floor Makeout session) with The Situation in Miami! As for the other Jersey Shore individuals, I think the two that were together before kind of broke up due to some other dance floor third party situation, but not The Situation, some other situation.

The Other Most Important People in the World, the Kardashians, are also very busy doing Important Things with their time. Kim has been talking about her abusive five-minute marriage with Damon someone, and bringing up those memories must have been psychologically damaging, because they caused her to allegedly go to bed with Kanye West, which didn’t go over to well with her boyfriend Reggie Bush, who dumped her. In addition, she’s had second thoughts about posing for Playboy six years ago, and now says she only did it because her mother told her to. Which kind of makes you wonder if her mother also told her to be friends with Paris Hilton and take a golden shower in front of a video camera. To overcome the trauma of these indignities, she has availed herself of the time-tested method of sleeping with dangerous playboy and football hottie Cristiano Ronaldo, who used to date Paris (cue catfight). All the other Kardashians are busy dieting, except her step-brother, the loathsome Brody Jenner, who is canoodling all over town with Avril Lavigne.

Kim Kardashian is sorry about this.

As if Tiger Woods wasn’t repellent enough, it turns out the pervy golfer is not just a fan of sexting and doing filthy things with people-not-his-wife, but he is also a fan of the horrible band Nickelback. He was seen rocking out to the miserably derivative and embarrassingly Canadian group at a concert last weekend. This is obviously the last straw for Elin, who has enough issues without having to listen to shower-time warbling of “If everyone laughed and nobody cried, if everyone lived and nobody died…” or whatever crap they’re writing nowadays. Oh, and one of Tiger’s mistresses is going to be on TV with Bombshell McGee, hosting a wonderfully deep and intellectually profound new show called Celebrity Cheaters.

There. That wasn’t so bad was it? You can go back to all that stuff you were doing before (except the knitting – it’s a monkey not a baby, you sicko), now that you now know everything you need to know to be a productive member of society.

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Because there is a real vacuum in the world of ear-mutilating and soul-destroyingly bad music since Heidi Montag and Kim Zolciak’s latest efforts, that archetype of class and talent, Tila Tequila, has blessed the world with her sophisticated, intelligent new song “I F*cked the DJ”. Seriously, though “Tardy for the Party” has the best title, nothing can beat Tila’s babbling, moaning and cursing the (undoubtedly true) title of her song for three minutes straight. Hopefully the DJ in question was Pauly D from Jersey Shore, and that his tender embraces have helped soothe the unimaginable pain the sensitive Tila is obviously feeling since her fiancée of two weeks, heiress Casey Johnson, died tragically (it seems so long ago!) and the crushing loss of at least two unconfirmed pregnancies, her alleged and unconfirmed assault by some football player, her failed adoption of some incredibly fortunate Russian toddler, and whatever. At least the dubious veracity of most of Tila’s assertions hasn’t reached her nascent musical career yet, though she could have been more truthful: she could have called the song “I F*cked Everybody”.

Now onto something serious – a disturbing trend in workplace sexual harassment! This is no snarking matter to normal people who do not work at Hooters (and even Hooters employees should be safe, of course), but Heidi Montag is now accusing one of the producers of The Hills of touching her inappropriately (at least she still has functioning nerve endings). This follows news that Jesse James paid $725,000 to Merilee Gerth for workplace harassment, including the suggestion that she gargle his bodily fluids to relieve her heart burn (eeeeeeeeew, gross! Sorry, it had to be said). And now Steven Seagal is in on the hot, inappropriate and illegal workplace action, but like, times ten – Seagal evidently has two full-time Russian hookers attending to his needs, but when one of them wasn’t around, he forcibly enlisted the services of his brand new, unwilling executive assistant, Kayden Nguyen, who is 23. First all the news was about famous entertainers being uncool by beating on each other, and now they’re being uncool by acting rape-y and/or groping unfamous people. Sheesh. People need new role models. Maybe sports stars! Uh, no. Politicians! Ha. Religious leaders? Oh no… we are in trouble here.

The post Steven Seagal in Hot Water! Also, Tila Tequila’s DJ Song appeared first on The Snipe News.

The greatest cultural phenomenon of our time has been sprouting enough tentacles to burrow into every orifice of your everyday existence, mushrooming into a worldwide obsession and appreciation of being orange, having pouffy hair, wearing shorty shorts, fellating pickles, vomiting, smushing, hot tubbing and consuming tequila and steroids. Jersey Shore is so educational and fascinating that other cultures are jealous, and understandably want to get in on the action (or lack thereof, due to massive steroid abuse). Soon you will be able to not only keep up with the Guido and Guidettes currently filming in Miami, but there will be a Latino version, a Russian version, and the best of all “The Persian Version” (that is what it’s called). Fire up that TiVo.

This is so blatantly famewhorey it’s hard to even write about, but because it is Lohan and Gosselin related, it is SE’s duty to comment, unfortunately. Lindsay Lohan’s father, Michael, is engaged to Kate Major, the tabloid reporter who quit her job to be with Jon Gosselin, but then was really upset to find out that he was cheating on her with Hailey Glassmann, who, as you know, hates the Nazi tattoos on Jesse James’ stripper chick, Bombshell McGee, and on and on into this black hole of existential meaninglessness.

Vivid Entertainment has offered to pay off Octomom’s house if she stars in a porn for them, and in other tortured uterus news, Hugh Hefner is not offering Kate Gosselin any money to go in Playboy, thankfully. Not because she’s not hot, but because in his opinion, “she’s not a celebrity.” Hugh keeps on living – he’ll be 84 on Friday. Happy Birthday you shriveled old pervert!

The post And On and On Into This Black Hole of Existential Meaninglessness! appeared first on The Snipe News.

Well all of you women who bothered to go to school and get a job so you could wearily work your way through life probably didn’t realize that in the twenty-teens careers would be all about boring investment banking and being a celebrity mistress. Which for the oldies amongst us brings to mind a certain Eddie Murphy “Velvet Jones” SNL skit, but never mind!

So. What are our favorite new role models up to these days? We’re talking mistresses, not bankers, of course. Fortunately, mistresses everywhere are doing things together, making it easier to keep tabs on all the fascinating things they are accomplishing.

Sad, lonely, Tiger Woods consort Joslyn James, who is also a porn star, is going to be teaming up with another of Tiger’s tidbits, one of the Vegas cocktail waitresses, to picket the Masters Golf tournament in Augusta. Joslyn is also stripping just down the street for anyone curious to see where Tiger went, anyone, that is, who lives in a cave and doesn’t have a computer or access to an xxx video store. Rachel Uchitel is not doing anything unseemly, just probably rolling around in a Vegas hotel room, waist deep in the $10 million Tiger gave her (why did you waste all your hot years in university again?).

Tiger Woods mistress Rachel Uchitel.

That creepy John Edwards mistress, Rielle Hunter, after posing for disturbing semi-nude, rolling-around-on-a-bed-with-her-two-year-old-lovechild photos [does Nancy Grace know about this? - ed.], is now going on Oprah. Presumably she’ll continue to explain why there was no stopping her passionate pursuit of her politician target, not even his terminally cancerous wife. Maybe she’ll discuss the yucky sex tape they made while she was pregnant, and that she left with Edwards’ aide, which got them into trouble – who knows?

John Edwards consort Rielle Hunter with baby Frances Quinn. Courtesy National Enquirier

Going on down the line, Hailey Glassman, Jon Gosselin’s chippie, for whom he left Kate, is refereeing a boxing match with Bombshell McGee, Jesse James’ “mistake”. As a Jewish person, she is not cool with all the swastikas tattooed all over Bombshell’s body.

Jon Gosselin playmate Hailey Glassman.

So there you go. We’ll be taking applications for the Guttersnipe School of Celebrity Mistressing soon, with evening classes starting this fall. Campus is located inside the Roxy Nightclub. See you there!

The post Celebrity Mistress Edition – The Return of Bombshell McGee, + Jon Gosselin’s Chippie and More! appeared first on The Snipe News.

-photo by Keith Allen Phillips/courtesy Splash News

Sandra, Jesse and Bombshell

Slutty porn stars and Nazi strippers are ruining the lives of fine upstanding men and their families, did you hear? America’s two sweethearts, Sandra Bullock and Tiger Woods, have had their perfect lives torn asunder by whorish trollops blabbing on and on about all the hardcore sex they engaged in with Tiger and Sandy’s hubby, Jesse James. Okay, maybe the whores aren’t the only culpable parties here, since they were just acting whorishly which is in their nature and is, in fact, how they earn a living. And much better livings once they come out publicly and everyone wants to pay them, not to have sex, but talk about the sex they had, which is less exhausting. Everyone looks bad here! Except Sandy, of course who is now more beloved than ever before. Anyho, Tiger’s porny porn star, Joslyn James (no relation to Jesse, presumably), posted every obscene text message (sexting – it’s a bad idea.) he ever sent her onto the Internet, and it’s pretty disturbing. Not sure of her motivations for doing this, though if you ask her it probably has something to do with their undying love for each other. The Jesse James’ lady, the one with the tattoos all over her face, Bombshell McGee, can be seen posing in Nazi cheesecake pictures on the same Internet. This Internet thing is totally bad! Bombshell McGee unfortunately has two children, and here’s an interesting bit of info you might want to remember for a future edition of “Trivial Pursuit – Hipster Edition”: her stripper name, “Avery”, is the name of her youngest son. Classy, and sweet.

Those Krazee Kardashians

The news about the Kardashian sisters is that I cannot find any news about them! (apologies to the editor)

The Lohans, Except for Lindsay

You know how sometimes you are brushing your teeth, and you think to yourself, “I wish there was some way to brush my teeth without getting all this yucky water in my mouth!” No? Maybe you never brush your rotting teeth because of your overwhelming guilt about all that plaque-filled water going down the drain? Well the fantastic family that has brought to you a line of spray-tanner, leggings with kneepads, Shoehan and haute couture involving heart-shaped nipple pasties, has another consumer breakthrough – the “Aqua Freedom Green Lohan Brush”, waterless toothbrush unveiled by Dina Lohan at some green living convention. Rabid people and other hydrophobics no longer have any excuse for poor oral hygiene. In other Lohan news, Michael Lohan, Lindsay’s father, has tragically recovered from a minor heart attack and is resting at home.

Heidi’s Psychic Follies

He should have seen it coming (har har), but Heidi Montag-Pratt has fired her psychic adviser/new manager Aiden Chase. I told him not to tell her about her future roll in Broken Down Old Stripper Roadhouse! Not that it changes anything.

The post Doesn’t Bombshell McGee Just Have the Best Name Ever? appeared first on The Snipe News.

Well here we are again; Scurrilous Ephemera would like to apologize for the long hiatus, but as we know, banalities such as real life tend to encroach upon important activities such as navel gazing and OK! Magazine perusing. But fortunately, vapid, useless people continue to insist on being famous, thus giving Scurrilous Ephemera a reason to exist, and to derisively and ironically further these people’s quest to be known on and on into an inexorable death-spiral of pointlessness and frivolity that will one day consume the universe.

So. What is up with our favourite famewhores, trainwrecks and other random people that Guttersnipe readers want to know about?

Well Corey Haim and Brittany Murphy died and people thought it might be drugs in both cases and at least in Brittany’s case it was not. So that’s sad. Still not a good idea to do drugs kids, not like this is going to stop you. Druggie.

Kate Gosselin is on Dancing With the Stars and has done a bunch more weird things with her hair, all of which look better than the rabid possum look she’s sported in the past. And Jon Gosselin is doing absurd things like hanging around with Lindsay Lohan’s father’s lawyer. The children are in therapy because they miss being on TV so much, and Octomom’s been posing in bikinis. Of all career options open to women who have given birth to eight or more children at one time, bikini model is a strange choice. She did used to be a stripper, though, so this is a small step in the right direction.

Lindsay Lohan has been in Paris with black hair and looking like a 45-year-old former junkie who has transferred her addiction to eyeliner and self-tanner. But she has a boyfriend! Ungaro ended their horrendous collaboration, and then came out with another horrendous collection that had nothing to do with Lindsay, so her ability to design clothes remains unclear. Her ability to appear in public sober and wearing an appropriate amount of clothes is not in question.

Speidi! Good Lord, what did that girl do to her face. I remember when I was 15 I bleached my hair for a fashion show and my parents totally freaked out like I got a tattoo on my face or something; Heidi went and got a whole new weird face that actually makes her original face look stunningly beautiful by comparison. If that was her objective, she succeeded, and the rest of her looks like a low-rent Pamela Anderson. Spencer is, well Spencer. Gleefully vile and Mephistopholean as usual. One thing he is not: Heidi’s manager. Heidi has retained the services of a manager/psychic advisor to give her a leading edge in her business, whatever that is. If he is psychic, I don’t understand why he can’t tell her that in five years she will be a broken down old stripper working in a roadhouse or starring in a reality show with Heidi Fleiss and Daisy from Rock of Love. Actually that would be a great show: “Broken Down Old Stripper Roadhouse”. You’re welcome, TV executives!

The kids of Jersey Shore are going to Miami for another season of smushing and vomiting and being punched in the face. Yay! That’s enough fun and games for today, we’ll be back soon!

The post Catching Up With Our Favourite Famewhores! appeared first on The Snipe News.

Sarah Silverman - am I pretty?

Memes Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus

So Despite being incredibly kick-ass in the Terminator movies, Linda Hamilton still seems to have some issues with her ex-husband, James Cameron, whom you might have heard of. In a very long, oversharey interview she describes how he dumped his second wife for her and then dumped her for his next wife who he then proceeded to dump to get back together with
Linda again and then dump Linda to get back with her, where he still is. For now. Cameron can be credited with having good taste in women – they all seem to be smart, accomplished chicks who nonetheless hang around and fight over James Cameron, who seems like an asshole. Yes, we’re back to that meme: women like assholes evidently.

Pretty, Oh So Pretty

Moving on, but not too far, Sarah Silverman, despite being a mostly kick-ass stand-up comedienne, seems to have some issues with her ex, Jimmy Kimmel, because he never told her she was pretty. What?!? Having every reasonably cool and intelligent human being with a penis on the continent completely hot and bothered about you isn’t enough, Sarah? Sigh. Fortunately her new boyfriend, who is not famous, but who is a super-cute writer or something, tells her she is pretty, and now she’s happy. I don’t know what message this is supposed to be sending, but I don’t think Jimmy Kimmel is an asshole, even still.

Sarah Silverman

Naomi and the Russian Billionaire – A Truly Modern Relationship

While we’re on the subject of assholes, Naomi Campbell‘s handsome Russian billionaire boyfriend is married, and lives with his wife and teenage daughter in London during the times he’s not on a private jet or yacht with Naomi. As much as this is outraging to so many people, they are wrong! If Naomi had an issue with this, don’t you think by now Mrs. Russian Billionaire would have woken up with a decapitated horse head and her lover would be on life support? This is actually the most reasonable, down-to-earth behavior Naomi’s exhibited in a while. Now excuse me while I go find a Russian billionaire in an open relationship to buy me a reportedly $18 million dollar mansion in Brazil to lounge around in when he’s not flying me around on private jets to private yachts. As long as he remembers to tell me I’m pretty of course.

Naomi Campbell. Didn't she date that bassist from U2?

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